Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize
