turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
