If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
