i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
