Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Randomize
