If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize