I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
