Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
