Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
My cat gives me a boner
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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