Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
You don't make any sense
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