dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
