My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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