god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
