bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Randomize
