Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Randomize
