You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
