She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
