naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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