so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
