a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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