my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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