I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize