I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
