I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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