im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize