VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize