just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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