Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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