I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize