I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize