as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
