Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
My vagina is very pro this idea
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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