my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
pray to the hookup gods
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Randomize
