i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
