pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize