I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
