you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
