But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
