btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Randomize
