I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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