I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
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