If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
