You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
