Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I checked into jail on foursquare
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize