I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
