so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize