The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
