If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
