First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
