his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
The air taste purple.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
