saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
