Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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