there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Randomize
