my vag is so smooth its legendary
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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