He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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