I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
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